Errant Thought Roundup 59

There is a miracle occurring at this very moment.  It is simultaneously Thursday AND the first day I've remembered to do an ETR in a very long time.  I'm spreading the joy of this miracle by giving you a glimpse into the scary cobwebbed corners of my brain...

I love, I love, I hate, I hate,
I like, I wish, for goodness sake...
I hope, I hope, I pray, I pray,
I will, I won't, and for today...

I love going to restaurants alone.  I am an introvert living inside the body of an extrovert.  I enjoy people, but trust me, sister, I am not scared of solitude.
I love the story of this painting.  Apparently a little old lady decided to take matters into her own hands and restore the 200 year old painting below...she gave up and confessed when she realized she didn't have the necessary skills.  Hilarious. (Many Thanks to AEW for turning me onto this story...not sure how I survived for so long without hearing about it!)

I hate being away from my baby girl for so long...she's in NC for a whole week, and while I have LOVED this extra time with the hubs, I miss my Sadie snuggles.

I hate when people are sad or hurt or uncomfortable. Can't we all just hold hands and sing Kumbaya? 

I like that being a mother has given me the ability to hit the sheets and fall asleep immediately.  I used to lay awake at night for up to 2 hours before I could wind down...not anymore, kids.  Clearly, my body understands the principle of "get it while you can."

I wish I could bless the women in my life who have blessed me this week. How do you thank people for simply existing without sounding like a weirdo?

For goodness sake, sometimes I look at people and wonder how they've survived for so long without basic life skills.

I hope that one day Sadie is riding down the road, sees a gorgeous sunset, and pulls off onto the shoulder so that she can take a picture to show her little girl...like I just did: 

I hope my mother in law will teach me how to quilt.  I think I could rock a freaking quilt pattern. (Um, sadly, that is the most badass thing I've said all week).

I pray for my friends.  I am so very fortunate in my friendships...I don't deserve them, but I'm thankful for them.

I pray with gratitude for my husband who can stay engaged in a philosophical conversation with me for hours.  He knows my heart and responds accordingly.

I will continue to take small steps toward big goals.  I got plans, yo.

I won't waste time worrying. Sometimes it's easy to get distracted by "what if's," but I'd rather be focused on "right now's."

And for today, I'm thankful for all of my facebook friends who don't feel the need to incessantly post about politics.  I can't wait until this presidential election is over - one of the "two sides of the same coin" will win, and then I'll be able to look at my news feed without hearing who's the wrongest and who's the rightest.  I truly believe that they both have the best interest of the country at heart, they just have different opinions on what that means.  And I (dare I?) disagree with both of them.  I should run for president.  Read this article.  I'm sorry I didn't ask nicely, but I never get to boss people around and I thought it'd be fun.

Friendship.

Infertility Part IV (Final Update)

I had to wait until I was done being bitter to write this one...I'm getting there, and I need to write this as part of the closure process.  I think it'll help release some of the sadness I still feel.  I think you'd be amazed how often people fake happiness for the sake of making others feel comfortable.  I'm guilty...I try to complain about standard stuff these days: "work is busy, and my house is dirty, but I'm doing great!"  Hard work and dirty kitchens are more palatable than, "I'm still pretty bummed that we've tried so hard for a baby and it's not going to happen."  So that's where I am.

Since I have to get it out, I'm gonna get it out here.

We have officially stopped all fertility treatments. 
{pause.  breathe.  ok.}

After 30 attempts at becoming a family of four (or five...or six...):
No more stirrups
No more injections
No more pills
No more counting days
No more month-to-month hopefulness
No more month-to-month grief
No more speculating
No more refrigerated medications
No more uncomfortable tests
No more check-your-dignity-at-the-door
No more paying someone to make sex as impersonal and un-fun as possible
No more picking out baby names
No more hanging onto Sadie's baby would-be hand-me-down clothes...time to let them go.

Writing through tears after that last one...
{pause. breathe. ok.}

I can no longer emotionally handle the roller coaster of infertility...I've wasted a lot of energy (and time...and closet space) pouring hope into something that has hurt me repeatedly - both mentally and physically - over the last several years.  Sadie would, at this point, be six by the time we had another.  That's quite a gap...a gap that big wasn't part of my plan.  Ah, plans.  Those silly little things that get in the way of what's actually happening right now.  We were young when we had Sadie...we're not so young anymore.  Not to say that we're too old to have a baby - 30 year olds have babies all the time.  But we're past diapers and bottles and baby-proofing...way past it.

The last time someone asked me when Sadie would have a brother or sister, my immediate inclination wasn't to punch them in their insensitive face.  That's progress, right?

Quite literally every time I look at Sadie, I'm reminded how fortunate I am.  Without this infertility journey, I certainly would have never realized what a miracle she actually is.  And I wouldn't look at her the way I look at her now.  If you've been here, then you understand what I'm talking about.  It's different.

I have a small person to love on and invest in.  She's getting so big...so fast.  And I'm so thankful.  What would I do without her sweet snuggles, her fabulous imagination, and her chubby cheeks?  I don't know...but I do know that I'm going to start focusing on enjoying those more while they're still within my reach.

Thanks for travelling this road with me...sometimes stories end differently from what you'd expect, but they can still be very good stories.  This is just the closing of one chapter in our story, but it has certainly changed the trajectory we were on.  We're on a new path now, and I'm excited to just watch it happen...and not make too many plans.

Our family is a happy threesome.  I am a wife and a mommy, and it's perfect just like it is.


UPDATE:  Infertility Part V:  Did I Say Part IV Was the Final Update?

Zoo Trip!

Sadie and I got to go to the zoo on Thursday for a work event...and I forgot my stinkin' camera.  :(

Never fear - thanks to a photo booth and my friend Denise, we got a couple of photos anyway :)

Photo booth fun...

And I couldn't find Sadie anywhere, but I found this beautiful butterfly, so I decided to keep it...

I'd Give You $1 to Listen to My Story...

I came across this picture and it set off a flood of thoughts - most of which you are now going to be forced to read.  I mean, you could stop reading if you wanted to, but if you keep reading, then you're going to be the collateral recipient of my ensuing stream of consciousness.

I know it says that he'll give you a dollar to listen to your story, but I think he could run a racket if he would charge people a dollar each instead of paying them.  We are all so eager to tell others about our ideas and dreams and fears and problems, that we don't listen to the same in others.  We're all the same - we're all so egocentrically focused that while the other person is talking we're already constructing a response in our minds that redirects the conversation back to ourselves (and our ideas, dreams, fears, problems...).  

I think I'm going to stare at myself in the mirror every morning and say these three things:  1) Be a good listener.  2) Be empathetic.  3) Care about where someone else's heart is for a change, and then hope that they have the wherewithal to reciprocate.  

Sometimes people won't have the wherewithal to reciprocate...don't sweat it - it's human nature.  We're all just busy staring at our own belly buttons.

And the guiltiest is the one who blogs about it, right?

Sadie's First Sewing Project!

Ok - that's slightly misleading...Sadie has done a little rudimentary hand-stitching before, but this was her first foray into the wide world of machine sewing!

She sewed EVERYTHING except the button!  She did the lining, the pouch...even the buttonhole!  She actually told me to stop giving her instructions because she knew, "the presser foot goes up and then the needle goes up - I know, Mommy."  Smarty pants did a great job, right?!

This was actually kind of an emergency sewing lesson.  We had to make a pouch to hold...

HER FIRST LOST TOOTH!!!

She lost her tooth at Madison's house last night during their sleepover (of course!).  Madison's mommy called the tooth fairy who agreed to wait until Sadie was at her house to come and exchange the tooth for some money.  The girls were ecstatic!  Sadie is, of course, hoping that the tooth fairy will take the tooth out of the pouch and replace it with some money tonight.  

Her tooth pouch and her little gap-toothed smile are both beautiful - so proud of my big girl!

Cloud Making Factory

As we were driving down the road this weekend, Sadie pointed out the window and yelled, "Guys, LOOK!  It's a cloud-making factory!"

Wouldn't it be cool to be five years old again for just a minute? :)

Incidentally, I think nuclear power plants would get a lot more love if they were redesignated as cloud-making factories.

Debauchery 2012 Part Deux

Eric and I had date day/night yesterday!

We found one of the only Bojangles' north of the Mason-Dixon line (woohoo!)

no, thank YOU, Bojangles'

We toured the Yuengling Brewery (the country's oldest brewery!)

The text of this (GENIUS) poster reads:

"Yesterday, 2000 representatives of the Anti-Saloon League and the Christian Women's Temperance Union marched to the capitol in Washington to demand NAT

IONAL PROHIBITION BY AN AMENDMENT to the Constitution of the United States.

To-morrow it is likely to be the Anti-Cigarette League that is clamoring for a constitutional amendment to prohibit cigarette smoking, or the Anti-Profanity League, that insists on a constitutional amendment to prevent swearing, or a Eugenics society that advocates for a constitutional amendment to stop the birth of imperfect babies.

Eventually there will be no need of laws or courts or churches or schools or preachers or charities or prisons. Everybody will have been made wise and good and pure and industrious and healthy and prosperous by amendments to the constitution.

- Editorial in The New York World 

December 11, 1913"

This is us by the old-style kegs in the Yuengling underground:

And by the Yuengling sign at the entrance:

I followed a real photographer around and copied his angle for this one...sweet, right?

The brewmasters work under stained glass to keep the glare off the kettles... 

Doesn't this workshop look like your granddad's garage? 

The old Yuengling Ice Cream shop - it closed in the 80's.  Why?

The brewery facade:

We also went to Hershey Park where we rode roller coasters, indulged in sub par chocolate and took absolutely NO pictures.

Then we went to dinner at a fabulous little hole in the wall in Hummelstown where I played matchmaker between two servers.  They were most of the way there, but if they get married, I want credit.

Awesome day with my amazing husband and a pair of insanely uncomfortable shoes.  I'd do it all again tomorrow in heartbeat.

Sadie + Daddy Date Week

Eric was between rotations this week, so in a classic Eric move, he kept Sadie out of school all week so that they could have fun date days...

When I was pulling pictures off of his phone tonight, I found these:

The Crayola factory:

Excavating at the Academy of Natural Sciences:

On a picnic at a state park:

They also went bowling, ate at Moe's, hung out at the playground, and played at Chuck-E-Cheese.

She is seriously the luckiest kid alive.

Medieval Weapons Expert...

Sadie:

Princess Expert

Barbie Expert

Dramatic Play Expert

Ballet Expert

Butterfly Expert

Fashion Expert

Rainbow-and-Heart-Drawing Expert

Flower Expert

And...um...also this:

Sadie + Madison Play Date :)